This article provides suggestions for what to say and do and what NOT to say or do when a child discloses to you that he or she has experienced sexual abuse.

REACTING TO A CHILD’S DISCLOSURE OF SEX ABUSE

• Don’t respond negatively or express your anger at the abuser.  Try to keep your emotions under control.  If you make comments like “He ruined you” or “I told you not to go to that house” the child will feel more damaged or ashamed.
• Let them tell their story at their own pace.  Questions like “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” just make the child feel worse by encouraging them to blame themselves for what happened to them.
• Don’t sweep the issue under the rug or promise not to tell anyone.  Tell the child that the law requires you to make a report to the authorities.
• Don’t ask leading questions like, “Did he cover your mouth so you couldn’t scream?” or “Did he threaten to kill you?”.  Too many leading questions can affect the child’s credibility with investigators.  Younger children are very likely to insert this information into their story.  Ask neutral questions like, “What would you like me to know?” or just say things like, “Go on, you can tell me what happened.” Unnecessary questions can embarrass the child.  Answer any of the child’s questions as honestly as possible.
• Do keep the child’s regular routine and provide them with consistency after their disclosure.
• Let the professionals do their work.  Do jot down what the child has said to you and give this information to investigators.
• Don’t threaten to harm the abuser.  Your anger can scare the child.

Do Say Things Like:

“Thank you for telling me.  I know it wasn’t easy for you.”

“You are very brave and you did the right thing by telling me.  You need to know that you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You are very smart to talk to me about this.  I am really proud of you. Now we need to tell somebody who can help us.  There are people who know how to work through this type of situation.”

“It’s okay for you to cry.  It must be painful for you to talk about these things.”

Make sure the child knows that reporting the abuse to investigators, undergoing a physical exam, and appearing in court are not punishment. Validate the child’s feelings as they go through the process.  Let them know that although sexual abuse is a difficult experience, you will be there to help them throughout their recovery.

This article is provided by the Hale Kipa Independent Living Programs.